The Rooster Cogburn Blog...

I have readers - yes, PLURAL!! Thanx to anyone who has, either by hook or by crook, stumbled across my blog, & taken the time to read it. And a big thanx for the comments - much appreciated, and kinda comfortin'.

Speakin' of comfortin', I'm writing this blog while laying in bed. I have my iTunes playing thru my laptop speakers, and my favorite drool-stained pillow propping up my back. Ain't life grand? If I ever decide to get one of those college dorm room Microfridges, and a hospital bed pan, I'd probably never get outta bed, or see the sunshine again. (Hmmm... mental note: buy some of that spray on insta-tan... look for the brown colored, plastic container w/the white lettering).

Sometimes -- well, OK -- most of the time, say 99.99% of the time -- I take comfort for granted. I'm literally surrounded by modern conveniences & technology, all carefully designed to make my life more comfortable. I coulda never made it as one of the pioneers heading west. One day into the 2000 mile trek, I'd be like: "Twelve miles? WE'VE ONLY GONE TWELVE FREAKIN MILES!!??". If'n I'd been alive back then, and heading for California Territory, I'm quite sure I would've gone down as the originator of the annoying: "Are we there, yet!?!?". I admit, I woulda starved to death on the trail.

• "Here, have some deer jerky". *Gag*

• "Here, try the boiled rattle snake". *Hands covering mouth*

• "Boy, howdy! But these gopher gizzards sure slide down smoooooth!". *Cover yer boots, Tex, cuz it ain't gonna be pretty*

Yes, I need my modern comforts. Why kill my knees and cramp up my hands, scrubbing away at my toilet bowl for 20 minutes, when I can just 'Kaboom! and it's gone!'? I swear, I have nightmares about Billy Mayes showing up at my funeral, just as I'm about to be lowered into The Good Earth. He opens my casket, tosses in a little white tab, and says: "Kaboom! and it's gone!". I'm just prayin' that I never get to that point in the dream at the exact same instant I hear my neighbor flushing the toilet.

But, if I'm honest w/myself, I have to admit that while all of my modern conveniences & blinking lights may make my life more comfortable, they really haven't made it more comfortin'. In fact, if anything, they've added a whole new layer of stress to my life.

• "Fatal Error 820365. Windows is shutting down. Kiss the last 6 hours of your unsaved work 'Goodbye'". *Gasp*

• "Even tho technology has made everything else in the known Universe cheaper & easier to access, We at your Major Medical Insurance Plan are again raising your monthly premium, due to the increasing cost of medical technology." *Hands covering wallet*

• "Taken properly, will relieve nasal congestion. Side effects may include nausea, rash, dizziness, bad breath, sexual disfunction, unexplained HunchBack-ism, sudden loss of speech, and dementia. Do not take on an empty stomach". *I knew I shoulda eaten them gopher gizzards when I had the chance... Cover yer boots, Tex, cuz it ain't gonna be pretty*

Sure, in Ye Olde West, the menu sucked, but at least they found real comfort in knowing that if you shook a man's hand, it was a done deal. If you got sick, everyone and their dog would either look-in on ya, or make ya some homemade chicken noodle soup. (Just dont show me how you killed & plucked the chicken). And when yer wagon broke down in the middle of God-knows-where, you could be pretty sure that the little cabin on the horizon would give ya a bunk, some grub, and help ya fix the wheel at first light.

What modern life needs - or at least, what my modern life needs - is a Rooster Cogburn rope. Remember that scene where Katharine Hepburn's character is getting ready to lay down for the nite, upon The Good Earth. John Wayne (Marshall Rooster Cogburn) tells her: "Just a minute, sister -- I'll put my lariat around your bed. Them night crawlers & snakes will respect it". And then Ms. Hepburn, in that wonderfully shakey voice of hers, says: "Is that really true -- that they won't crawl over a rope?"

Then John Wayne gets a sly smile across his rugged face, and says almost sweetly: "Well... I ain't sayin it's true... and I ain't sayin it ain't!... but it's comfortin'".

Today, my fears arent bugs n snakes n creeping things... the Modern fears are much more persistant & worrying. Constant media bombardment about the encroachment of Bird Flu, Homicide Bombers in shopping malls, lack of affordable medical care, everything-you-eat-causes-cancer, etc...

If only I had a rope for that.

Rooster, where are ya now that I need ya? Someone lay a rope 'round me.