Not Nobody! Not No-How!...

There are many things in this world that I just don't get. Many people or groups that I just don't understand. And probably never will.

No... this blog isn't about the music icon, Prince (aka 'The Artist Formerly Known As Prince', aka 'The Artist', aka that strange He-She symbol thing). I actually get Prince, what little I know of him & his music. True enough -- I think the man is a freakin Genius. Extremely creative & original. Talent for days. Also true, I admittedly am only really familiar w/some of the smash, radio Hits from his pre-Musicology era (& Musicology is the only CD of Prince's that I own -- luv'd it, btw).

Like I said, I don't know or wouldn't remember the vast majority of Prince's songs, and probably wouldn't listen to most of his song catalog. But, being weened on MTV from when it first came out (& when it actually still played music videos), I do remember the video, "Batdance", which Prince made for the 'Batman' movie. In the video, there were all kinds of Batman & Vicky Vale clones, grooving to a typically inventive and funky Prince beat. In the song, there's this one lyric that I still remember (in fact, it's the ONLY lyric I remember from the song):

"This town needs an enema".

For some reason, that lyric got stuck in my head recently (and I hadn't even woke up from a dream when I remembered it). But, it got me thinking about people & things that really need to have something, anything happen to them, to get them to change. Or to get me to understand them. Or maybe I really just don't get it. Examples of people or things that I just don't get:

• Terrorists. I don't care from where, or for what -- be they Radical Islamists from the middle east, or Radical Catholics from Ireland. You'd think they would see the disconnect between anything & everything having to do with God or spirituality, and blowing up other people. Or blowing up yourself while blowing up other people. It makes no sense to me. I just don't get it, at all.
  

• Television coverage of Nascar, Golf, Bowling, most Olympic 'Sports', & 'Pro' Wrestling, to name but a few. I truly don't get the whole Nascar thing, but it is the most popular spectator sport in the USA. Yep, more so than the NFL, or NBA, or Baseball. I can see where watching these things 'live' might be kinda fun -- I mean, you know that Nascar races must have hella good concession stands. Makes me drool just thinking about it. But to watch it on TV -- can't help but think it loses something in the translation. Ditto w/Golf, bowling, etc..

• Adam Sandler & Ben Stiller. Two of the most popular and supposedly funniest actors/comedians out there... but again, I just don't get it. I get many more authentic laughs from one, typical Simpson's episode than from anything I've seen from these two gentlemen, put together. When 'Happy Gilmore' aired on TV, it was all I could do to sit thru 5 minutes of it before changing the channel. Even C-Span, showing Senators giving impassioned speeches before an almost completely empty Senate Chamber, was more entertaining.

• Analysis after a Presidential speech, or debate. I mean, I just saw the speech 3 seconds ago, I don't see the need for anchors & partisans to tell me what it was that I really saw. And what is the point of having someone there from each political bias? You know what they are gonna spout. Even if you catch the same political hack, later on, on a totally different program, they say the exact same thing, almost word for word. I don't wanna hear pre-scripted talking-points from pre-biased stooges. Please! Let me watch it & digest it in peace. Let me get it on my own. I can make my own conclusions without 'experts'.

These are just some of the many things in this world that I just don't get. So, how does all of this relate to the title of this blog: "Not Nobody! Not No-How!"?

Remember when Dorothy & Crew finally made it to Oz, and The Big Door? After explaining their journey & their desire to see The Great And Powerful Wizard of Oz, the intransigent doorman tells them: "Nobody gets in to see The Wizard! Not nobody! Not no-how!", and firmly shuts the little trap door.

It seems hopeless. That's it. Might as well pack it back to Munchkinland. Dorothy starts to break down, and is consoled by her hapless friends. She sobs about missing her family and Kansas and Auntie Em. Then the camera cuts to that same stubborn doorman, who just a few seconds earlier seemed totally incapable of changing his stance. He's pouring out buckets of tears, listening to Dorothy's plight. Then he unexpectedly & completely changes his once-unchangeable position, and exclaims to the fab four that somehow he will get them in to see The Wizard.

"I once had an Auntie Em, myself", he declares thru his own change-of-heart tears.

From hopeless to hope, instantly, because of that one, minor little fact.

... Wouldn't it be nice if Bin laden once had an Auntie Em, too? Or maybe he just needs an enema...?

Until then, I just don't get it.

The Rooster Cogburn Blog...

I have readers - yes, PLURAL!! Thanx to anyone who has, either by hook or by crook, stumbled across my blog, & taken the time to read it. And a big thanx for the comments - much appreciated, and kinda comfortin'.

Speakin' of comfortin', I'm writing this blog while laying in bed. I have my iTunes playing thru my laptop speakers, and my favorite drool-stained pillow propping up my back. Ain't life grand? If I ever decide to get one of those college dorm room Microfridges, and a hospital bed pan, I'd probably never get outta bed, or see the sunshine again. (Hmmm... mental note: buy some of that spray on insta-tan... look for the brown colored, plastic container w/the white lettering).

Sometimes -- well, OK -- most of the time, say 99.99% of the time -- I take comfort for granted. I'm literally surrounded by modern conveniences & technology, all carefully designed to make my life more comfortable. I coulda never made it as one of the pioneers heading west. One day into the 2000 mile trek, I'd be like: "Twelve miles? WE'VE ONLY GONE TWELVE FREAKIN MILES!!??". If'n I'd been alive back then, and heading for California Territory, I'm quite sure I would've gone down as the originator of the annoying: "Are we there, yet!?!?". I admit, I woulda starved to death on the trail.

• "Here, have some deer jerky". *Gag*

• "Here, try the boiled rattle snake". *Hands covering mouth*

• "Boy, howdy! But these gopher gizzards sure slide down smoooooth!". *Cover yer boots, Tex, cuz it ain't gonna be pretty*

Yes, I need my modern comforts. Why kill my knees and cramp up my hands, scrubbing away at my toilet bowl for 20 minutes, when I can just 'Kaboom! and it's gone!'? I swear, I have nightmares about Billy Mayes showing up at my funeral, just as I'm about to be lowered into The Good Earth. He opens my casket, tosses in a little white tab, and says: "Kaboom! and it's gone!". I'm just prayin' that I never get to that point in the dream at the exact same instant I hear my neighbor flushing the toilet.

But, if I'm honest w/myself, I have to admit that while all of my modern conveniences & blinking lights may make my life more comfortable, they really haven't made it more comfortin'. In fact, if anything, they've added a whole new layer of stress to my life.

• "Fatal Error 820365. Windows is shutting down. Kiss the last 6 hours of your unsaved work 'Goodbye'". *Gasp*

• "Even tho technology has made everything else in the known Universe cheaper & easier to access, We at your Major Medical Insurance Plan are again raising your monthly premium, due to the increasing cost of medical technology." *Hands covering wallet*

• "Taken properly, will relieve nasal congestion. Side effects may include nausea, rash, dizziness, bad breath, sexual disfunction, unexplained HunchBack-ism, sudden loss of speech, and dementia. Do not take on an empty stomach". *I knew I shoulda eaten them gopher gizzards when I had the chance... Cover yer boots, Tex, cuz it ain't gonna be pretty*

Sure, in Ye Olde West, the menu sucked, but at least they found real comfort in knowing that if you shook a man's hand, it was a done deal. If you got sick, everyone and their dog would either look-in on ya, or make ya some homemade chicken noodle soup. (Just dont show me how you killed & plucked the chicken). And when yer wagon broke down in the middle of God-knows-where, you could be pretty sure that the little cabin on the horizon would give ya a bunk, some grub, and help ya fix the wheel at first light.

What modern life needs - or at least, what my modern life needs - is a Rooster Cogburn rope. Remember that scene where Katharine Hepburn's character is getting ready to lay down for the nite, upon The Good Earth. John Wayne (Marshall Rooster Cogburn) tells her: "Just a minute, sister -- I'll put my lariat around your bed. Them night crawlers & snakes will respect it". And then Ms. Hepburn, in that wonderfully shakey voice of hers, says: "Is that really true -- that they won't crawl over a rope?"

Then John Wayne gets a sly smile across his rugged face, and says almost sweetly: "Well... I ain't sayin it's true... and I ain't sayin it ain't!... but it's comfortin'".

Today, my fears arent bugs n snakes n creeping things... the Modern fears are much more persistant & worrying. Constant media bombardment about the encroachment of Bird Flu, Homicide Bombers in shopping malls, lack of affordable medical care, everything-you-eat-causes-cancer, etc...

If only I had a rope for that.

Rooster, where are ya now that I need ya? Someone lay a rope 'round me.